Ninjas – Stealthy, deadly, reliable, silent, trustworthy (to kill or maime), punctual and hilarious.

You know the phrase ” he never knew what hit him”, well ninjas coined that phrase, but the original was quite a bit longer:

Here for the first time in it’s full text is the passage from “The Ninja Diaries – A Tale of Ninjas”:

“…he never knew what hit or kicked or sliced or diced or mangled or maimed or cut or stabbed or liked or hurt ot shot or carved or bit or skimmed or tazered or shived or karate chopped or speared or flew at or ate him…”

Ninjas are the most stealthy of all people, except Kevin Bacon in that movie where he’s an invisible scientist. But next to Kevin Bacon, ninjas are it. It’s more than likely that Toby’s injuries have something to do with ninjas.

We can even suppose that Toby himself is a ninja in training…can’t we… he’s quiet, diligent and goes to the gym. and perhaps he was injured in some sort of ninja training camp (like computer camp but for ninjas).

Hence theory # 4 – Ninjas.

Anyway, the story behind Toby’s injur(y|ies) is way more sinister than but hopelessly intertwined with that happy memory..

Tobes doesn’t know it but I met this immensely wierd guy in Manly a while ago and after a few beers I was ready for some more. He was a former psychiatry student who’d ammounted to not much choosing to experiment with hypnosis and other brain related experiments often performed on members of the public with no idea they are in the middle of having their brain fiddled with. After finishing even more beers I told him the dark story of my wild ankle beating days gone by. He enjoyed the story immensely which wasn’t what I was trying to achieve. I was considerably drunk and came across much friendlier than intended. This freak was supposed to get the idea I was keen on smashing his ankles and was millilitres away from doing so. Alas, I had created a monster.

Over the last few months I’ve heard of quite a few people who’ve acheived injuries through suspiciously cool thing related accidents. And I have a theory.

This guy I met, let’s call him Andrew Hunter from Berowra Waters, ight have his mobile number somewhere too, was adamant he could smash someone’s ankles as I had liked to do in the past, but he had an extra trick up his you know what. He’d publicly beat someone’s around the ankle(s) and then use his brain skillz to make a) everyone aorund think they’ve seen the most amazingly daring stunt thing that resulted in surpirsingly few serious injuries and b) someone think they are the reincarnation of oh, hmmm let’s say.. Evil Knievel.

So to cut a long story slightly shorter, don’t believe Toby’s stories of dirt bikes and heroics, he was beaten by a freak in a public place and brainwashed.

And Tobes, yeah it probably is more serious than a sprain, more of a straight up beating, get it checked out..

Funily enough inspired by a well known hollywood film these fights are anything but staged. I wish I had a picture to post and not a movie screenshot but then again maybe I dont.

In researching this story I uncovered myths of all sorts of injuries to the fighters, everything from concussion, broken ribs, more cuts and bruises than you can imagine and even a popped eye socket!

When I started investigating Toby’s mysterious injuries I never thought it would run this deep.

If you want to know more dont come to me just look for the dodgiest guy you know on the northern beaches and ask them, dont ask the wrong person though you might end up exactly where you dont want to be.

What really happened was that Toby was hanging out and it was all cool till some dickhead named Paris shot him with a frickin arrow.

Here’s a pic of him from just before the accident…

And it wasn’t his ankle – it was his heel. Geeeez…

As you can see clearly from the video footage, Toby injured his ankle 2 seconds in, and then his back injury happened a mere 1 second afterwards.

It’s gruesome, sure, but remember video footage doesn’t lie.

Amanda is friends with Ben Stiller, well maybe not friends, but they stood in line next to eachother at the supermarket one time (he lives in dee why now), so Amanda calls Ben who comes to provide a taxt service for she and Toby to ‘Batmans House of Waffles’ in Mona Vale. Ben Rocks up in his Starsky & Hutch Gran Torino and takes them to Batman’s.

After a scrumptious meal of waffles and OJ, Toby announces that he must go at once to pick up his terrarium!

“I must go at once to pick up my terarium!” he exclaims.

The two pay Batman and go their seperate ways.
Toby decides its a nice enough day to ride his newly repaired unicycle to the terrarium shoppe, and off he goes!

Needless to say this story ends sometime after that with Toby eating a peanut butter sandwich, while breakdancing in the national championships.

Of course, that mean guy from Karate Kid comes and tells some guy named “Judd” to “sweep the leg” and thats how Toby gets injured.

END THEORY.